Paula's birthday present is a three day sail to the Barrier Reef and to my favourite spot, Upolo Cay. The wind is not good for anchoring but we anchor anyway as close as possible to the sand cay. The day is beautiful, the wind calms down, my stove makes cooking almost a pleasure and the fridge is full of ice cold drinks. Aliisa sits in shallow water, Paula and I play backgammon in the cockpit and David Gray in the stereo. A few priceless moments.

The confusion about our relationship continues. Together or not together. Who knows. Time will show. We've broken up and got back together, I think three times in the last 18 months. 

In the afternoon I calculate the tides to see if we can stay where we are. I like anchoring as close as possible in shallow water. I work out that that there should be about 10cm under the keel at low tide. Yeah, we'll be right. At midnight the anchor chain is stretching in increasing wind and a one meter swell is bouncing the boat up and down. The sand cay and coral is right behind us. I have three hours to low tide and I decide to move the boat up before it's too late. I don't usually worry too much about touching the bottom, but when there is a one meter swell the touching becomes more like...pounding. The exercise is not pleasent. Tired, in dark, close to corals, this could easily turn into a disaster.

I'm too worried about the boat turning off the wind and not having enough room to turn away before hitting something that I pull the anchor chain only half way up and then drive into deeper water dragging it behind. We move from a depth of 1,6m to a depth of 1,8m. Later at night the boat occasionally lets out a cry when landing on coral rubble on the bottom. Live and learn.

I lie in bed terrified. Not at our current situation, which is safe. I'm suddenly hit by an overwhelming fear of executing my plan. My mind fills up with images of abandoning ship, falling overboard, getting shipwrecked, starving to death in a life raft, serious injuries, fierce storms and disasters caused by incompetence, tiredness, lack of equipment or experience. I'm wide awake in the midst of my nightmares. Paula has very little experience, and I feel that my skills in handling a stressful situation is limited. One reason I'm telling the whole world about my voyage plan is to force me to do it. It is too easy to find an excuse to stay in Cairns, but a lot harder when the world is waiting for you to follow up your promise.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. That's courage.

Until next time. Lauri G.